Tuesday, March 22, 2011

The Car Might Be Smarter Than You.

Overheard on the bus. Guys pointing and laughing at Smart Car:

Guy 1: Man, see that tiny little car?! It looks like a shoe.

Guy 2: Why would you even want a car like that?

Guy 1: I dunno, man, give me a Hummer any day.

Guy 2: Forget that. I’ll take one of them Benz SUVs.

Guy 1: Yeahhhh. Tinted windows, nice rims.

Guy 2: That’s what I’m talking about!

Guy 1: But all we got is the bus, man.

(moment of silent commiseration)

Guy 2: That shoe car’s looking damn good right now.

Guy 1: No shit.

Thursday, March 10, 2011

Chicken & Waffles & Stolen Thunder

I.H.O.P is allegedly now selling chicken and waffles, according to a commercial we saw tonight:

Him: Did you see that? That pisses me off.

Me: What? Chicken and waffles?

Him: No, the fact that there's that guy on America's Next Great Restaurant whose idea is the chicken and waffle place? The promos have been on for a month. They had to have seen it!

Me: Ohhhhh, yeah, that's awful! He's so passionate about it.

Him: Yeah, and they never would have done chicken and waffles if they hadn't been "inspired" by him.

Me: It's absolutely uncool.

Him: If there was an I.H.O.P. around here, and we went to it, I would totally stop going. In protest.

Me: If you think about it, though, you've already been boycotting them, all this time.

Him: I was sticking to my principles...before I even knew I had them.

Tuesday, March 1, 2011

Spice Island: The Premiere*

If you follow me on Twitter, you may have seen that my mind has been bombarded with imaginary reality shows, for some reason. This is from the first installment of Spice Island, a Survivor-style show featuring all living members of the Spice Girls. (Before you get all worked up, none of the Spice Girls has died. Stop trying to guess which one it was.)

Scary Spice: [fumbling with backpack, scowling] D'urrlllll bana magisterium uh guh-um alldren!

Posh Spice: [perching on rock, legs crossed] Darling, that's your little survivor kit. Haven't you looked at it? They gave us emery boards.

Sporty Spice: Thinkin those'r fer foire startin.

Posh Spice: And I'm just so glad that the girls are all together again! We must do a little dance and karaoke later.

Sporty Spice: Thinkin we're without 'lectricity, here, Victoria.

Baby Spice: The island's quite lovely, though!

Ginger Spice: [lamenting] This was the worst possible career move. Wha have I been doing? Sittin at home. Cashin 'Wannabe' checks. Now I'm on a bloody island with a flock of washed-up birds, when I COULD BE WEARING A SEQUINED UNION JACK MINIDRESS UNDER ME ROBE TO FETCH ME MORNING POST. *sobs*

Posh Spice: [moves to put her arm around Ginger's shoulder] LOVE, it isn't so bad. Cameraman, could you get the five of us some juices? Or a nice tea? What, isn't anyone on this crew here in charge of our tea?

Scary Spice: Ver eglund sigh rodder there.

Posh Spice: *tsk* I know, darling. I'm starting to think that we didn't know what we were getting our little selves into.

Scary Spice: Iss bell, dis marrer.

Posh Spice: I know, darling.

* I think the name of the show is now, "Spice Island: Island of Spice" because @omarjpeters suggested that this whole debacle take place on Grenada, the actual Island of Spice. And also because it allows for the possibility of other 'Spice Island' seasons, like, 'Spice Island: Island of Long,' and, 'Spice Island: Alcatraz.'