Monday, June 20, 2011

Why I Shouldn't Leave the House

Me: (proudly displaying my new tank top) Hey, babe, do you like this top?

Him: Meh?

Me: Not crazy about it huh?

Him: It's kind of weird in this area here.

Me: (looking down) I just love the fabric and how...yeahhh I have it on backwards.

Tuesday, March 22, 2011

The Car Might Be Smarter Than You.

Overheard on the bus. Guys pointing and laughing at Smart Car:

Guy 1: Man, see that tiny little car?! It looks like a shoe.

Guy 2: Why would you even want a car like that?

Guy 1: I dunno, man, give me a Hummer any day.

Guy 2: Forget that. I’ll take one of them Benz SUVs.

Guy 1: Yeahhhh. Tinted windows, nice rims.

Guy 2: That’s what I’m talking about!

Guy 1: But all we got is the bus, man.

(moment of silent commiseration)

Guy 2: That shoe car’s looking damn good right now.

Guy 1: No shit.

Thursday, March 10, 2011

Chicken & Waffles & Stolen Thunder

I.H.O.P is allegedly now selling chicken and waffles, according to a commercial we saw tonight:

Him: Did you see that? That pisses me off.

Me: What? Chicken and waffles?

Him: No, the fact that there's that guy on America's Next Great Restaurant whose idea is the chicken and waffle place? The promos have been on for a month. They had to have seen it!

Me: Ohhhhh, yeah, that's awful! He's so passionate about it.

Him: Yeah, and they never would have done chicken and waffles if they hadn't been "inspired" by him.

Me: It's absolutely uncool.

Him: If there was an I.H.O.P. around here, and we went to it, I would totally stop going. In protest.

Me: If you think about it, though, you've already been boycotting them, all this time.

Him: I was sticking to my principles...before I even knew I had them.

Tuesday, March 1, 2011

Spice Island: The Premiere*

If you follow me on Twitter, you may have seen that my mind has been bombarded with imaginary reality shows, for some reason. This is from the first installment of Spice Island, a Survivor-style show featuring all living members of the Spice Girls. (Before you get all worked up, none of the Spice Girls has died. Stop trying to guess which one it was.)

Scary Spice: [fumbling with backpack, scowling] D'urrlllll bana magisterium uh guh-um alldren!

Posh Spice: [perching on rock, legs crossed] Darling, that's your little survivor kit. Haven't you looked at it? They gave us emery boards.

Sporty Spice: Thinkin those'r fer foire startin.

Posh Spice: And I'm just so glad that the girls are all together again! We must do a little dance and karaoke later.

Sporty Spice: Thinkin we're without 'lectricity, here, Victoria.

Baby Spice: The island's quite lovely, though!

Ginger Spice: [lamenting] This was the worst possible career move. Wha have I been doing? Sittin at home. Cashin 'Wannabe' checks. Now I'm on a bloody island with a flock of washed-up birds, when I COULD BE WEARING A SEQUINED UNION JACK MINIDRESS UNDER ME ROBE TO FETCH ME MORNING POST. *sobs*

Posh Spice: [moves to put her arm around Ginger's shoulder] LOVE, it isn't so bad. Cameraman, could you get the five of us some juices? Or a nice tea? What, isn't anyone on this crew here in charge of our tea?

Scary Spice: Ver eglund sigh rodder there.

Posh Spice: *tsk* I know, darling. I'm starting to think that we didn't know what we were getting our little selves into.

Scary Spice: Iss bell, dis marrer.

Posh Spice: I know, darling.

* I think the name of the show is now, "Spice Island: Island of Spice" because @omarjpeters suggested that this whole debacle take place on Grenada, the actual Island of Spice. And also because it allows for the possibility of other 'Spice Island' seasons, like, 'Spice Island: Island of Long,' and, 'Spice Island: Alcatraz.'

Friday, February 25, 2011

On the Bus

This morning, I hopped on to my semi-regular #10 bus, and realized that the driver was new and being trained. My first thought was, "Great. A blizzard and training...I'm never getting to work." But I did! With only a minor amount of murderous rage. During this whole conversation I felt like I was being Punk'd.

Me: Excuse me, ma'am. Do you think the bus is going to be on time?

Trainer: On time for what?

Me: For...the...scheduled arrival?

Trainer: Why?

Me: Beeee...cause...I have to make a connection?

Trainer: What time is the scheduled arrival?

Me: *brain explodes*

(To be fair, after I explained the situation, the trainer loosened up quite a bit and even offered to call the shuttle driver and ask her to wait for a moment. So the customer service was ultimately very good. It was only completely obtuse in the beginning. :|)

Wednesday, February 23, 2011

A New Drinking Game

I came up with a new (drinking) game tonight. It's called, "The Onion or Reality." You recite a headline and then your friends have to guess if it's a real headline, or an article from The Onion. This exchange took place while I was reading Popeater, before anyone knew it was a drinking game.

Me: Charlie Sheen taking tropical vacation with wife, porn star girlfriend and third woman.

Him: What, is that an Onion headline, or something?

Me: Nope.

*everybody drinks*

It's Like a Reverse Booty Call

Perhaps I need to have my hearing checked, because there have been a lot of miscommunications between me and my boyfriend over the past 24 hours. Oh, no, as I replay this conversation in my head, I'm remembering that he was the one who misheard, here. So we both need a check-up.

Me: I had my first Spanish call today!

Him: What's a banish call?

Me: Like...with a translator?

Him: OH! A Spanish call! I didn't hear you correctly.

Me: Ha! A "banish call" would be funny, though. It's like the opposite of a booty call.

Him: Yeah, I'm drunk dialing you at 2 a.m. to tell you that I DON'T want to sleep with you.

Me: Banished.

Tuesday, February 22, 2011

Talkin Bout 'V'

V's a favorite in my house. This is from a conversation about last week's episode, which I think I slept through.

Him: Erica is getting in the way of Tyler being involved with the V, so Anna is planning to...

Me: She's, like, redoubling her efforts to win over Tyler?

Him: Right. She's planning to just kill Erica so that he's left without any family and has to join them. And more than that, they're establishing now how Tyler is really at the root of all of this, how he's the lynch pin* in the whole V plan. He's the keystone.

Me...when you first said, "lynch pin," I thought you said, "lunch bin."

Him: That doesn't make sense.

Me: But it's cuter.

Him: It is totally cute.

*After I wrote this, I doubted my spelling of the term lynch pin, so I Wiki'd it and apparently the more commonly accepted spelling is, "linchpin." That just doesn't feel right to me. I dunno. Also lunch bin is the new lobster. As in, "He's her lunch bin."

The First Date

Girl: I expect the finer things in life.

Guy: Oh. Really? I'm totally not materialistic. You shouldn't be so superficial.

Girl: Well, I know what I want!

Guy: Well, I don't have what you want!

Girl: Well, why are we on this date then?

Guy: Because I thought you were hot.

The Harem

A friend of mine expressed his desire to have a Gadafi-style Amazonian Guard. I imagine:

Gary: Who shall fetch me a chilled beverage?

Harem: *silence*

Gary: I never should have gotten you bitches cable.

The Long-Term Relationship

During Attack of the Show's Epic Giveaway:

Him: Ooo, get ready to go to the website and enter.

Me: *goes to*

Him: If you win, you can give it to me for my birthday!

Me: *blinks*

Him: ...or you could keep it for yourself and tell me to go to hell?

Me: It's nice how we know each other so well, we don't even have to talk.